Time and dreams

When I first setup this website I envisaged that it would serve as place where I could jot down and share all the quirky things I encountered, the thoughts I felt should be public, each day. Instead it seems to be getting nowhere fast. Part of the reason for this is that, like many geeks, whenever I see the website I want to tamper with the code some more. I have grand plans for the code, if only I had the time to include all the features…

Instead I find myself too busy to code, too busy to think of things to write. I thought that after the wedding life would become quieter and that once we moved house I would have more time to indulge in my own interests. Since the move, life’s tempo has increased to the point where I barely have time to think and dream, let alone write.

Each weekend, furniture shopping, or painting, or cleaning, or… Starting a new home seems to consume our lives. We have very little time during the week to do anything. I wake up at 6:20am, leave at 7am, return home at 7:30pm. This is the curse of living on the opposite side of a big city to a workplace. Work itself has turned very serious, with management pushing for the website to be completely revamped, and expecting it long ago. I had dreams of spending a day each week on research – shelved while the Big Push is on. I hate the constant job insecurity. Everyone demands speed, “performance”, all the time. Well, damnit, this is one project that will be finished. But I know that I am going to be exhausted once the new site is delivered. And I want my dreams back!

A couple of weeks ago we were driving towards home, returning south from the too-expensive furniture stores of Sydney’s north. As we drove through Brighton-le-Sands, we saw a fun fair, people walking and splashing along the beach in the sun, and we wanted so much to pull over and join them. This was the place where we stayed on our wedding night. However, there were photos to picked up, the shop closing time approaching, and we could not stop. It was so frustrating. It seems like here is another summer passing us by.

I used to enjoy the long summer holidays of my school and university years. Nowadays I would be considered slack for not having a vacation job, but I am glad that it was so. In fact, one year I did extra summer courses so I would have an excuse not to work in Beatrice’s mother’s post office. I need the time to recover from the concentration of studies and learning. It was my time to dream of better futures.

The adult world seems distinctly designed to prevent people from dreaming. And now they want young people to stop dreaming as well by forcing them to work extra study or employment hours, to cut away their time to play. Perhaps it is the unimaginative person’s revenge, because the dreamers would rather not waste their time with silly control games. The unimaginitive have replaced dreams with hierarchies, inflexible structures they can depend on so they don’t have to think too hard. I pity them in a way.

Well here I am babbling on as if it’s all some big conspiracy, which it’s not. I’ll try to write more often. This can be an outlet for my dreams. Perhaps someone out there will be interested. But for now, it’s past midnight – I’m stealing time again. At least I can sleep in tomorrow, so I will have enough time to dream tonight. I hope.

Filed under: ,